Fallout - A Special LIVE Report from Galaxy News

[Reporter, 0:08 to 1:20]
Good morning, or afternoon… or evening… depending on where in the world you are. If you're just tuning in with us now, you're in for a treat. Welcome to the unveiling of Vault 33, one of the flagship Vaults of Vault-Tec's… arsenal of Vaults. Galaxy News is here live with an exclusive look at the next generation of apocalypse-proof, purpose-built luxury housing, sponsored by our friends at Vault-Tec. "Vault-Tec: revolutionizing safety for an uncertain future." If you're a regular viewer of our programming we consider you an astute, engaged citizen doing your part to stay informed on the latest news impacting this beautiful country of ours, and so it will be no surprise to you that we are on the precipice of a nuclear Armageddon. But fear not, Vault-Tec is building the ultimate shelter-in-place solution for the more doomsday-savvy customer, a veritable ark meticulously designed to weather the geopolitical storm surely headed our way any day now. And for the first time on live broadcast, the fine folks at Vault-Tec will be giving you a tour of their newest product unveiling from the comfort of your home.

[Reporter, 1:39 to 3:13]
Welcome once again to Vault 33, nestled in the coastal west side of sunny Los Angeles County and minutes from the yet to be destroyed, bustling downtown promenade. Should nuclear annihilation one day come for this quiet beachside town, you can take comfort in knowing you are safely buried deep, deep below what numerous trade publications called one of the best places to live. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, what you're looking at is peace of mind. Billions and billions of dollars and decades of R&D funneled into the high-grade protection engineering that only Vault-Tec can bring you. Aren't we a bunch of lucky ducks? Vault-Tec has tapped us into their closed loop security feed to bring you a sneak peek behind the Vault entrance airlock. That large fortified steel blast door you see there is the only thing standing between you and the rads. Very soon, very soon I'm told… Arnold? We- yeah- and we're very soon, and we're very soon. Very, very soon, I'm told, that gear door will open and Galaxy News will be on the ground to give you all a walking tour of the facilities, including the accommodations one might expect in a state-of-the art modern residence thanks to a partnership with RobCo Industries, and some of your shelf stable-forever favorites like BlamCo and Sugar Bombs. There's nowhere to hide from explosive good taste. Boom! Sugar Bombs!

[Reporter, 5:14 to 6:32]
And we are… stalled out. We're still… having technical difficulties. You know, sometimes things go bad and there's just no way you can plan. It's kind of like what's happening with the world right now. There's no way you could have been born into the world and know how you were going to end… and know how the world would end. How will the world end, in fire or in ice? Well, turns out- turns out it's going to be fire. Arnold! What's that? Okay, yes. Okay. Arnold has just handed me a fun fact. We're going to do fun facts, fun facts. Okay. Fun fact about the construction of these massive Vaults: they use concrete. Hm. That hardly counts as a fun fact, Arnold. Now is there an update on when the door… the door's going to be open? Arnold? I'm sorry, is there an update on the door? Is there an update on the crane? Is it a crane problem or a door problem? Is it a cr- is it a crane problem or door problem? Arnold? Arnold! Arnie? Okay…

[Reporter, 8:18 to 10:29]
If you have the money, please, please guys, get a Vault-Tec Vault. Get in there! Think of it as a life raft, a bit. Our country is the Titanic and these Vaults are the life rafts, right, attached to the side of it. Now, were there enough life rafts on the Titanic? If you remember, no! No, there weren't enough, and so many, many people died, and so… it's a nice allegory actually, because they're not going to die in the freezing ocean which would be… actually, it's a little faster to die by fire than it is by drowning in the cold, so it is kind of an advantage to be dying now rather than on the Titanic, the RMS Titanic. Now, can you call the survivor of a nuclear holocaust a person anymore? I don't know. Their brain is going to be cottage cheese and they will be crawling, crawling on the ground, stuffing sand in their mouth, the blind eyes melted out like the white of an egg just dripping and dribbling out of their eye sockets. They raise their face towards their… god and scream, "No! Why?! What did it all mean?!" It turns out it didn't mean much if you didn't get a spot in a Vault-Tec Vault. Now, let's talk about the luxury interiors of Vault-Tec Vaults. We have camel leather. You've heard of cow leather, probably? Camel leather is a great deal softer, isn't it? It comes from the camel, who keep their water on their backs in a hump, sometimes two if they're dromedary. Now, let's talk about camel leather and why it is more supple… and why it is cooler to the touch… and we can talk about it forever but what you want is luxury, what you need is safety, where you go is Vault-Tec. That's it.

[Reporter, 11:36 to 13:35]
Um, Arnold? Arnie? Can we, do- do we have a- can we start a clock? Can we- is there, like, anything we can do? I feel like people need something to hold on to, there's a lot of empty air. There's a lot of dead air here. People need something to hold on to. People are freaking out and I'm freaking out because I like to have- I like to bring people comfort, uh, in- in this crazy time there's, uh, there's only a few things you can predict in the world and, uh, I thought that opening the Vault on time would be one of those things. I was kind of counting on it as a a thing that would bring some amount of normalcy, some amount of comfort, something happening the way it's supposed to in a world that feels like it has been turned upside down by evil. But unfortunately that is not the case. Here we are. Another thing we don't know. Another thing we have to grapple with. This particular Vault and these technical difficulties that we're having right now have absolutely nothing to do with the product that you will buy when you buy a Vault-Tec Vault. Now, Vault-Tec Vault living is living the dream and it's the only way to safety, unless you're the president of the United States or something like that and you have a mountain in Colorado to go under and direct the events of the world. Not many of us are that, there's only one of those… and his various and sundry advisors. I'm sure they'll be fine, but you won't! You won't be fine. If a Vault is out of your price range, there are lower-cost alternatives to purchasing a spot with Vault-Tec. They don't sound… good. If you ask me, anti-radiation pills, good luck with that. Not sure how anti-radiation pills will hold up against temperatures rivaling the surface of the Sun, for example, but maybe that's just me.

[Reporter, 14:08 to 15:28]
When you see that Vault, it's all going to be worth it, fellas. It's all going to be worth it when you see that Vault. Now kids, you're probably wondering: can I bring my pet doggy or my pet kitty into the Vault? You can't. Unfortunately it's a hazard in so many different ways. Uh… uh, their hair can get caught in the ventilation system. You'll have endless problems. Where do you put their waste, where do you put… their food… so many, so many problems, so we have specially made Vault-Tec gravestones, we have specially made Vault-Tec pet gravestones for your children to have mini funerals for their pets before you go into your Vault-Tec Vault. Memorialize your pets now with Vault-Tec mini pet gravestones! Dig a hole in the sand, put the pet in there, and put that gravestone -- and it's got a space where you can write the pet's name -- right before you go in the Vault. No pets in the Vault. Not even fish. No, not even fish. What is happening? What is… Arnie, what is… what is happening? Okay okay, all right.

[Reporter, 16:21 to 18:20]
So much is happening here. We've got the crane, as you can see. It's lo- it's, it's about to be lowered, it- I'm told, and I'm told the weather, the inclement weather is keep- I think the weather… there's a pressure ch- it needs to be- yes, of course. The pressure needs to be right to open the Vault or else the differential pressure between underground and overground will cause a, uh… uh, the furniture to, uh… Look, get a Vault-Tec Vault. If you can't afford for a whole Vault for your family that's fine. Buy time in a time share -- one of our time shares -- and it's not the kind of time share you're going to regret. This is one that's not a scam because you can look down at your intact body in a Vault-Tec Vault and say, "Look at me! I'm whole!" Stay whole in a Vault-Tec Vault! Keep it together, meaning your corporeal form. Keep it together in a Vault-Tec Vault! You'll be skipping around in a workout area and… check out those barbells! Why not work those biceps while you're down here? What if there's an emergency and somebody breaches your Vault-Tec Vault door? Well, you're going to want to be in shape to fight off that rageful beast. Now, is it a human? If you kill it, will its soul go to heaven or hell? Don't worry about it, just get it out because even its presence in your Vault-Tec Vault could kill you and your entire family. These people are irradiated. It's not healthy, right? It's like putting your hand on a radiator. Don't do it.

[Reporter, 19:40 to 19:55]
Ahem. We don't have the exact scoop yet, ladies and gentlemen, so Arnie, why don't we put some music on while we wait for the skinny. I- I- I- I don't know what song. Put on anything, I'm dying up here.

[Reporter, 22:43 to 24:35]
And if you're just joining us, we're preparing to head inside the latest and greatest product offering from Vault-Tec: Vault 33, a pristine subterranean society purpose-built for America's best and brightest to wait out the nuclear fallout. There's no telling what will remain once this global conflict reaches its inevitable conclusion. That's why it's important for patriots like you to purchase a guaranteed spot in America's future. It's up to you to keep our golden society going, propagating forth until we have the ranks to repopulate the world outside. What if I don't have a partner or family right now, you may be asking? Don't give up on love so soon, I say! Where better to meet eligible partners than in a cherry-picked community of like-minded individuals? If you find you need a bit more assistance, Vault-Tec has breeder search programs to help you find the one… or the two… or the three, four, five! Vault-Tec is a very open society, so go ahead and purchase that single Vault space and that single may become a double before you know it! And what better place to find someone to love than safe underground? Please stay tuned as we prepare to bring the crew and the world at large inside our Vault-Tec facility. But what if I don't have the money for a Vault right now, you may be thinking? You should never let not having the funds today stop you from reaching your dreams. You can always pay tomorrow, into perpetuity. Vault-Tec is reportedly constructing financial packages that allow for customers to continue payments on select economy Vaults in the event of total societal extinction, so don't worry! Purchase away! Vault-Tec upholds traditional American values, and they believe no one should be excluded from the pursuit of life, liberty, and debt.

[Reporter, 25:05 to 26:57]
All right, yes. Arnold is telling me, yes, we are moments away -- moments away for having some kind of movement here. I'll believe that when I see it. Sorry Arnie, but your credibility with me could not be any lower at this point. Let's talk about the amenities in these concrete miracles. Radiation King will be providing television sets, modern kitchen appliances. The sofas will be… I'm sorry, do we know who makes the sofas? I'm sorry, do we- do we know who makes the sofas? Do we know who makes the sofas? Arnold, do we know who makes the sofas? What else is new, yeah. If you could please just give me something! If you could please just give me something to update! I'm sitting here with nothing! I'm sitting here with nothing! This isn't my job! I'm a journalist! I report things, I don't vamp! Is there even a- is- is there a clue? Is there- do the crane people- have the crane people chimed in? Have the door people chimed in? Is it all one person? Well, maybe- maybe connect yourself to them! You should get yourself a radio. Get yourself a radio, Arnold. That's your job: to communicate with me the facts about what's going on and it's my job to communicate to the people who are watching -- we're trying to save their lives, you know -- and this isn't advertising for me. This is a product I believe in! Arnold, what do you do?! What skills do you… Are you somebody's son? Are you… are you somebody's kid or something?

[Arnold, 26:57 to 27:01]
My uncle is, uh… is the general manager of Galaxy News, your employer.

[Reporter, 27:01 to 27:16]
Your uncle is the manager of Galaxy News… well, that explains how you got this internship. I'm sorry for everything I said, but you can understand my frustration here.

[Reporter, 27:25 to 27:36]
The, uh, Vault foreman is out here and he is, uh… uh, doing hand signals… Ooh, yes, it's going to be a while. Let's play some music for the people, Arnie.

[Reporter, 30:15 to 32:27]
All right folks, we have an update! They've got eyes on the gatekeeper out walking the grounds. Appears he was attempting to retrace his steps after misplacing the key and his wallet. Still no word on the key itself, please stand by for more on the wallet as this story continues to unfold. Still on standby as we wait for the situation in the Vault to resolve, but folks, there is plenty to get the American public up to speed on in the meantime. World news stories! Breaking, breaking news from the international desk! Peace negotiations between America and her adversaries crumbled in Anchorage, Alaska this past weekend, a city recently liberated from foreign occupation, leading experts to believe nuclear war is indeed on the horizon. One more reason, America, to tune into the presentation Vault-Tec has for us today. Preparation, resilience, and smart spending are the only way our precious republic makes it through that long, dark night. Going the way of the dinosaurs has never felt this fun! If only the dinosaurs had Vault-Tec technology. Now, the dinosaurs died because a meteor came from space, right? They had nothing to do with it. We have everything to do with our own demise. It's almost like… people are a virus that is destroying the Earth. We're a planet-killing virus and people do say, "Oh, well, you know, well, the cockroaches will outlive us and the the aardvarks or whatever will outlive us." Well, they won't. They're going to die too, because this is the real deal, guys. This is the end, so if you're not underground, I don't know what you're doing. I wonder how we'll evolve. Will we develop a different kind of skin? Some kind of leathery, plastic skin to fight off the nuclear fire? Who knows, but the only way to find out is to purchase a Vault-Tec Vault, or space in one of our time shares.

[Reporter, 33:48 to 35:41]
For those gathered around their Radiation King TV sets today, thank you for your patience. Rome wasn't built in a day, haha! Ohh… Very soon you will witness… one of the greatest modern advances since the Virgo II moon landing -- you won't want to miss this, the future of you and your future children depends on it. Honestly, who wrote this copy? You did, Arnold? Well, that's not surprising. It leaves… yes, well, it leaves a lot to be desired. They couldn't hire a professional writer? You look like you're 15 years old. You're 23? Yeah, well 23 year olds look like they're 15 now. Still too young. What could you know about the- what could you possibly know about the written word, Arnold? God damn it. What could you- what do you know about writing and oratory? Nothing, I'll answer you, for you, nothing. The lack of professionalism -- myself not included -- disgusts me. The lack of professionalism disgusts me, Arnold! Speaking of nuclear fire, you should see the muffin tray they left out for me. People want a blueberry mu- you want a muffin, okay? A muffin, not a little squirt of dough, a little powdered su… give me a muffin, give me a real thing, okay? Give me some snacks! You're going to give me some coffee, good. I need a snack to balance it! I'm not the only person in the world who needs a little bit of fat in their stomach when they eat a big haul of caffeine. Ahem. Stand by as we wait for the situation in the Vault to resolve.

[Reporter, 36:09 to 36:44]
Ladies and gentlemen, it's official: we're experiencing some technical difficulties, and before we can open the Vault -- Vault 33, our flagship Vault, full of the, uh, finest luxury items available to mankind as of now -- maybe we could put something on to keep people company while we figure out the technical difficulties. Sorry, these difficulties of course have nothing to do with Vault-Tec's Vault tech. In- in- indeed… Look, I need to have a whole cigarette right now. Just put on the song. Where are my smokes?

[Reporter, 39:24 to 41:01]
Well, well, well, here we are again! Ladies and gentlemen, we're dealing with a hiccup. Now, hiccups might seem like a momentary stoppage, but this is a big hiccup. It's like God is hiccupping. Vault-Tec is reporting that there's only one gatekeeper and one key on this Vault model. The keys for these Vaults are one of one. It fits like a glove but it's- it's- these- these locks are very, very complicated. God, it's so good to be on the other side of this. I don't think people know. People really don't know what's coming, and that's probably good. If you haven't watched… if you haven't watched the news up to this point, don't pick it up. Don't… just try and stay ignorant, uh, really don't find out what's going to happen because… it's bad, um, it's over. Hahaha! The Earth is a slaughterhouse and we are cattle, haha! We- we'll go back into, uh, a society resembling Bronze Age Mesopotamia. That's where we're going. It's not fun. Um, disease is… really prominent, um… we don't treat women well -- let's just face it, it's- they- we don't treat them well now, but back then… oof. Rough. Rough treatment of women. You think we're racist now? It's going to get bad. Where you want to be is underground. Vault-Tec Vaults.

[Reporter, 42:27 to 43:46]
You know what else is great about Vault-Tec Vaults? The air purification system. Let's talk about air. You need air to breathe, I need air to breathe, we need air to breathe. Vault-Tec's got it in spades! We've got oxygen candles straight from our finest nuclear submarines that you can burn, that turn nitrogen and carbon dioxide into oxygen molecules -- perfectly breathable, perfectly safe for your children, and your children's children, and your children's children's children in case we're there for three sweaty generations of sweaty living underground in a fresh Vault! In fact, we put a family in a Vault for 10 years and let them out just to see how it would go… and here they are now! "We loved it, uh… We loved it! That was great!" Uh… that's- that's… I'm making it up! I'm making that up. I am imagining what could happen if I had more information about the Vaults, but I don't have that information so I'm making it up! Ha! Vault-Tec Vaults, yes. Say yes to the tech.

[Reporter, 45:35 to 47:55]
Unfortunately, we are back, the Vault hasn't opened, and we have had absolutely no movement towards the Vault opening. So, hope you enjoyed that music. I know I was tapping my feet. Let's get back into it. Where are we? The U.S. government has been quietly testing T-60 power armor suits as part of their long-standing defense contract with West Tek, following up the T-45 and T-51 efforts in the ongoing war with the People's Liberation Army. How about that? How about that. The Man from Deadhorse gallops to a fast start at the box office! The Howard-led Western is said to be the next smash for California Crest Studios. Am I crazy or is this taking forever?! I don't think I'm crazy, but I feel crazy! In fact, I might be the only person involved in this whole production who hasn't lost his mind! I'm looking at you, Arnie! I'm looking at you! "You don't know what to do, you don't know what to do." You idiot! I can't even get the word- I can't even get the information from you. Worthless! Argh! It's just me and Arnie here, I'm in hell, he's sitting there smiling at me, I'm in absolute hell! Do you have a spot, Arnie? You have a spot in a Vault? Oh! You do! What Vault is that? …Oh, that's the one I'm in. Oh. Dear God. I guess we should get to know each other. Ladies and gentlemen, we don't even know what's wrong here… but I can assure you that what isn't wrong is Vault-Tec technology. This has nothing to do with Vault-Tec's patented lock technology and everything to do with stupid people and human error. If you're this inefficient at work, what is home? Do- how do you wipe yourself?

[Reporter, 48:22 to 48:26]
Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this music while we figure out what's going on.

[Reporter, 51:49 to 53:31]
In other sponsored news, Nuka-Cola is celebrating the success of one of their newest flavor launches, Nuka-Cola Victory, with an exclusive redesign release later next year! Students that read over 10,000 books can be part of the Zap It Program, rewarding literacy with sugar! I don't like Nuka-Cola… Personally, I don't like Nuka-Cola. Too sweet. I don't drink it… but it's popular, I have stocks in it, I invest- I invest in it. I don't drink it. It's the way the world is. Just because it's popular doesn't mean it's good. Just because it's good doesn't mean it's popular. A can of Nuka-Cola, what is that? It's energy slowed down, right? It's the energy of the universe slowed down, right? What are we? What am I? We are energy slowed down into the form of a human being. All that's about to stop. Hahaha! All that's about to stop! All that's about to go away! Maybe there's life on other planets, maybe there's not. Are they going to come save us? No! If I were on another planet, and I came here, I would have an endless belly laugh at our folly! I mean, the folly of man. It's funny, there's so much written about the "folly of man." I mean, read Moby-Dick. Read… uh… what did- what happened with the- the wax wings, the wax wing guy? Wax wing man. Mr. Wax Wings. Daedalus. What's his name?

[Arnold, 53:30 to 53:32]
Uh… Shakespeare?

[Reporter, 53:32 to 53:40]
Arnold, Shakespeare? Arnold, Arnold, good god… Shakespeare? Where did you go- you went to one of these hippie schools?

[Arnold, 53:41 to 53:42]
I think it was Icarus?

[Reporter, 53:43 to 54:14]
Icarus! Icarus. Wow! You are good for something. Wow, Arnie. Now, Icarus, he was close to the Sun. In a Vault-Tec Vault, you'll be as far from it as possible. You will be up to 50 feet underground in a Vault-Tec Vault, safe and sound in the knowledge that the wax on your wings will not be anywhere close to anything that will make it melt, except our new Vault-Tec oven!

[Reporter, 54:46 to 54:56]
Where are you f- what's your family situation? Do you have kids or… no kids? Good for you. Haha! Are you single?

[Unknown, 54:57]
Yeah.

[Reporter, 54:58 to 57:48]
Ahh, yeah. I wouldn't recommend going to a Vault single. You might want to lock someone down and take you in there -- if only to help you fight and, uh, survive. It's good to have a partner. Yeah… Whoof. Anyway, glad I'm safe and secure in my Vault! Um… I'm in the tax bracket that kind of automatically gets a Vault, so sorry everybody. Uh… I'll be, uh, doing this thing called surviving while you are all burning. What's the point of any of this? What's the point of any of this? Nobody, nobody listening to this can afford one of these things. Everybody listening to this is about to turn into an idea, hahaha, instead of a being! But here we are! Let's whoop it up! let's whoop it up! It's a big parade… for the end of mankind! It's a big parade! Here's the final celebration, Arnie, here we are! Let's stake our claim in a dying planet! Let's plant our flag in a dead rock and see how we feel. Let's see how we feel after the flag is planted, Arnie. I don't know how much longer I can do this, man. My voice hurts, I'm thirsty, we're out of water, the muffins they'd laid out at the top of the day are dry and old. I feel dry and I feel old. I give up! I give up. Haha. What's the point of this? I mean, what's the point of anything? I'm broken. I'm broken. I'm changed. I am broken and I have changed. I… thanks to you, Arnie. Thanks to you, man. Thanks, you're the best. Yeah, thanks to you, pal. Thanks to you, buddy boy. You are just awful. You disgust me. Yeah, I'm just- I'm sorry. I'm- I'm just… I'm fried, man. I'm- I'm fried, pal. I'm fried. Dead. Gravestone dead. Oh yeah, that's okay. Oh God. Where are we in the process of the door opening…?

[Unknown, 57:49]
Yeah, it's over.

[Reporter, 57:50 to 59:50]
What? What's that? Oh. Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting word. Ladies and gentlemen, I've gotten word that we are start- we are starting, ladies and gentlemen. It's happening! Here we are, here we are., we got it, we got it, and now… n- and now this afternoon is unlike any other afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. It was the morning, now it's the afternoon -- here we go! The crane is lower- Here we go! Okay! Really close to the time where I can go and get out of here! The crane is lowering, it is happening, the tumblers are tumbling! The crane is lowering, the tumblers are tumbling, we are… go! We're going! It's opening! It's opening! You try doing this! You try doing this, Arnie! You try filling the time! Next time we'll switch places, Arnie, and you can try it! Oh boy, oh boy, here we go! Thank God we're doing it and it's happening. I see motion, I see- I see Vault-Tec… I am convinced! Guys, this is great, it's been great, Arnie? It's been great. Arnie, it's been great. You know, I hope we are in the same Vault. I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you, Arnie. Hahahaha! As long as this happens right now, I am fine with spending the rest of my life with you! As long as the Vault opens right now, the fact that nuclear fire could fall from the sky at any moment has made this broadcast that much more important. Thank you, thank you so much for joining us!