"You have helped us to understand local crime and police the area more effectively".
Er... really? Oh good! Lovey! Glad to have been of service, guys! Hurrah!
Presumably, because I took it upon myself to get pounded in the head so selflessly, they now know that the CCTV camera right where it happened wasn't working, so it can be fixed. And I'm sure they'll check there are DNA swabs in their kit next time, like there were supposed to be.
And now maybe they'll set up patrols along one of the two major roads into town, in the middle of the day, on the off-chance that some random mental might have a pop at some other poor bugger while they're sat in their car with their family.
Perhaps I could help in some other way? Maybe I could stand on some street corners wearing a sandwich board reading "Please mug me", or wander through one of the rougher parts of town blowing a vuvuzela at 4am.
Since I got attacked on Tuesday I've been pretty sanguine about what happened. The police, the NHS, were great on the day. I felt looked after and protected. It felt like they were going to do something, that they'd pull out all the stops. One of the police even described my attack as "vile", which I loved.
Plus, I've been blessed by the messages I've received. You've all been very sweet - far beyond what I feel I deserve. I don't think I've got any last emotional damage - I'm not scared to leave the house, or anything. I don't have PTSD, and I'm not wallowing in pity, and I've slept well.
Alright, I'm frustrated that I still can't see properly out of my right eye, and that I look as if someone has pranked me with a joke telescope. Frankly, I know full well that it could've been far worse.