your monkey called

Rotten Tomatoes Decoder

My son had a lot of questions about Donald Trump and why his presidency is so extraordinary. In case it’s helpful for other parents out there, here’s how I answered him.

Hey buddy, I know you have some questions about this president and where he stands on the issues, so I thought we could take a second and talk about it, ok?

See this pizza? Let’s say this pizza stands for all the money and resources we have in this big beautiful country. On one hand, Democrats want to make sure everyone gets a share. They might take a little more from a guy who’s got a big slice, so that everyone can eat. Republicans, on the other hand, believe that each person should get the slice that they worked for, and if someone didn’t work as hard, they don’t deserve as much pizza. They believe that the pizza they earned is the pizza they should be able to eat.

Makes sense so far? OK, now for Trump… hold on a sec, unnnffff, I know little man, this is hard to watch, please, mmmrrrrffff, don’t cry, I’m trying to teach you something here. Urrrggnnhh. OK.

See what I did? I took a shit on the pizza.

In Trump’s America, we’re all eating a big pile of shit on top of any slice we take, no matter how big or small. So now I’m gonna need you to go ahead and choose a slice. No, this is for your own good. Take a sl — TAKE A GODDAMN SLICE OF THE SHIT PIZZA. Good, that’s good. Now eat the, no, don’t try to run away, take a FUCKING BITE OF THE SHIT PIZZA, SON. We’re not going anywhere until EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT! Chew, now swallow, SWALLOW, good.

Ok, buddy? Do you get it now? That’s Trump!

By the way you’re adopted.

aaronbleyaert:

I’ve spent the past year losing 80 lbs and getting in shape. A lot of people have been asking me how I did it; specifics like what diet I was on, how many times a week I worked out, etc etc. So I thought I’d just answer everyone’s questions by giving you guys step by step instructions on how you can achieve everything I have… IN JUST 4 EASY STEPS! Ready? Here we go!!!

1.) NO BEER
This is a big one, and one that you’ve probably heard before. Every time you drink a beer, it’s like eating seven slices of bread. That’s a lot of bread!

2.) PORTION CONTROL
This is especially true when you go out to eat at restaurants. A good trick to do is when your meal comes, cut it in half and right away ask for a takeout container, so that you can save the rest for later - and even better, if you start your meal out right by ordering lean meats and veggies, you’ll slim down in no time!

3.) HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN

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This is great.